Finding Me

When I graduated high school, I thought I knew exactly who I was. I was salutatorian, the preacher’s daughter, class president, show choir performer, choir president, student council member, a 4.0 student, volleyball bookkeeper, tutor, column writer, nice girl, non-stop goer, and friend. However, I soon discovered that those things weren’t who I was…they were what I did. I was soooo busy. I never had time to do anything but go. Go. Go. No time to think. No time to savor. No time to reflect. No time to change. No time to examine. No time to live. It had to stop. I had to separate myself from everything that defined me—friends, activities, school, reputation—to find myself.

In high school, it may have seemed like I was a confident, determined, put-together individual…but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. The truth was….I was lost. I was incredibly shy, self-conscious, socially introverted, and doubtful. I worried about what I said, what I did, what people thought about me. I wanted to please my parents, my teachers, my friends. Occasionally, I would have an adult tell me that high school would be the best years of my life. I would always say to myself…I sure hope not.

You see...when I left for college I felt alone. I was carrying deep, dark secrets that I had NEVER told anyone. I was consumed by guilt I could not shake. I was smothered by shame that seemed unbearable. If you knew me then…you probably never knew. I wanted out of everything. I wanted no more outrageous responsibility. No more pointless activities. No more wasting my time over-achieving in things that didn't matter. In college, I met professors who made me doubt everything I believed in—for better and for worse. I questioned everything but was afraid of the answers. However when I removed all my activities, interests, doubts, fears, and insecurities…God was standing there with open arms. When I separated myself from everything I thought defined me, I found myself. I found God. I cannot tell you how patient He has been with me.

When I found God, my whole life changed. I found a faith that was my own, friendships founded on a common love, and the strength to let go and enjoy life instead of being consumed by constant activity. I committed myself to singings and Tuesday night Bible study and encouraging and living. I learned to trust for once. I learned to share my heart. I learned to question everything because God is not afraid of my questions. I learned that things I have experienced and felt help can help others (Gen 50:20). And I learned to accept forgiveness. It took total withdrawal to achieve this. Was it hard? Yes. Was it worth it? Yes.

I found myself so that I could lose myself in Christ.