2020: Brave

This year, my word is brave. I had every intention to post about this January 1st…I could sit here and tell you 2020 has been insane thus far and all I can do is hang on for dear life…and that would be partly true. But I have also been afraid. Afraid to fail. Afraid to commit. Afraid to show just how afraid I am. Mostly, I have been afraid to be brave. 

In a lot of ways this word is an extension of 2019’s endeavor to “connect.” Connection requires vulnerability and vulnerability requires bravery. So, to me, brave comes alongside other concepts including authenticity and vulnerability. And while most people romanticize the idea of being brave, we don’t hold vulnerable or authentic on that same pedestal. Or at least I don’t. But these ideas are so intimately intertwined it is difficult to determine the boundaries between them. With this in mind, we could measure our courage with our capacity to be vulnerable (i.e. if you have ever wondered how brave you are reflect upon how vulnerable you are). If I use vulnerability as the measuring tape for my bravery...well...I haven’t been very brave in my life.

“Choose courage over comfort. Choose whole hearts over armor and choose the grand adventure of being brave and afraid at the exact same time (Brene Brown, 2018).”

Vulnerability is showing up when you can’t control the outcome. It’s being soft and open—two things I struggle with. If you are acquainted with my story, you may know that I have walked through some heart-breaking, life-altering moments. I have grown accustomed to loss and pain and disappointment and hurt and loneliness. I have learned how to give grief over to God and find peace. I have learned that—even in the struggle—God is good and that is enough. However, if you know me, I hope you also recognize I am immensely satisfied with the life God has given me in this moment. But in this joy, I have found increasing fear...because being happy means you have something to lose. And through this realization, I have discovered that joy is one of the most vulnerable human emotions (at least for me). I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, always expecting the unexpected, and continuously on guard for when everything I love about my life right now will change. Honestly, I am afraid to be sucker punched by pain and trauma and loss all over again. Joy feels like giving someone or something else the power to bring out those emotions. And so, I am not brave. I am not open. I am not soft. I am not vulnerable.

But I want to be. I want to be brave. I want to be brave and vulnerable. I want to be bravely vulnerable. I want to stop running away from my feelings or my ideas or my relationships. I want to stop allowing fear of judgment, of not being enough, of rejection, of embarrassment, of being forgotten, of disappointment, of pain, of loss, of emotion, of disconnection, of being in the way…keep me from acting and speaking and jumping. This year…I will be brave…and it is hard and scary and dangerous...but not as hard and scary and dangerous as getting to the end of my life and wondering, “What if I would have shown up?” Bravely. Authentically. Wholly. Vulnerably.

2017: Redefine
2018: (Re)discover
2019: Connect
2020: Brave